Boys, Boys, Boys

I’m not usually one to give a hoot about celebrity gossip, but this story caught my eye.

According to this post on A Socialite’s Life, tattoo artist extraordinaire Kat Von D hooked up with Nikki Sixx, the infamous bassist of her favorite band, Motley Crue.

This struck me as odd because on her TLC show "L.A. Ink," she’s still dating that Garth Algar looking motherfucker Alex Orbison, son of rock pioneer Roy Orbison and drummer of some shitty band.

Normally I don’t understand the square-dancey, partner-switching nightmare that is the Hollywood dating scene, but in this case, I get it.

Now, let my preface what I am about to write with a couple of disclaimers.

I am deeply committed to my girlfriend and I would never leave her for anyone, not even Rosario Dawson.

The following is a purely hypothetical scenario meant to parallel the dating adventures of Miss Katherine von Drachenberg, save for the obvious gender reversal.

Right, then. Here we go.

Let us suppose that I am Aloysius Stitches, D-list celebrity and star of my own very boring reality show, "Buffalo Blogger." I am currently dating Kelly Osbourne. She’s an okay girl, and we get along just fine (remember, this is hypothetical).

But the thing is, we don’t really have a whole lot in common, and she doesn’t have much personality or talent outside of being the inexplicably famous crotchspawn of a rock legend.

Plus, she’s kind of homely.

Now suppose that during this time I get the chance to knock boots with the Queen of Metal, Doro Pesch.

Doro is a rock legend in her own right. As the singer of the band Warlock, she was one of the few women to assert her dominance in the ‘80s metal scene, where females were usually groupies, strippers, hookers, or a combination thereof. She still makes pretty decent music today.

Plus, she’s still as smokin’ as she was in the ‘80s.

So, do I take that chance?

You bet your sweet leather-and-stud-covered ass I do.

I have no idea why Kat really broke up with "Orbi." I'm just saying that if this is why, I totally understand.

Of course, given Kat’s reputation as a serial monogamist and Nikki Sixx’s reputation as being Nikki Sixx, I don’t expect this relationship to last the month.

But for now, good on ya, Kat.

Photo courtesy of Kat Von D's Myspace page.

Search and Destroy

At best, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is meaningless.

It’s a burgerless Hard Rock Café, just a bunch of old people’s shit festering in glass cases getting gawked at for $22 a head.

At worst, it presents yet another opportunity for baby boomers to suck themselves off for being the supposed Alpha and Omega of pop-cultural history.

[rant]
But weren’t they were wonderfully, funderfully cah-ray-zee back then? You know, back before they became soulless cogs in the corporate machine because they decided that “dreams” and “ideals” weren’t lucrative enough.

Way to stick it to “The Man,” guys.
[/rant]

I don’t mean to disrespect those who blazed the trail for today’s rockers, but rock and roll history is still being written. It’s too sprawling, too insane and too explosive to be contained in some goofy glass pyramid in downtown Cleveland.

To quote Johnny Rotten, “It’s what these people have done that’s relevant, not what they wore while doing it.”

Long story short, I usually meet the Hall’s yearly induction ceremony with a resounding “meh.”

But not on March 10.

If you haven’t heard yet, Madonna was one-fifth of the Hall of Fame’s Performer Class of 2008. For initially unknown reasons, she refused to perform. In her place, Iggy and the Stooges did a run through of “Ray of Light” and “Burning Up” as an apparent tribute.

When I first heard this, I was floored.

Madonna, for all her fame, hasn’t accomplished much of artistic note. She released a few catchy dance-pop singles in the ‘80s, then hopped on whichever musical bandwagon could generate her the most cash for the rest of her career.

She also got naked a lot in the early ‘90s, which is the only part of her career that I can give my full support (and I’m sure her tits could use a little more of that nowadays).

Hiyo!

But seriously folks. Madonna is a shrewd businesswoman, but not much else.

The Stooges helped create an entire sub-genre of rock in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s. It’s called punk. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?

They’re also not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, despite being on the nomination ballot six times.

You can see why this solidified my view that those in charge of the induction process are woefully out of touch, at times to the point of outright disrespect.

Then I read this article from the March 10 issue of the Detroit Free Press.

According to Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton, it was Madonna herself who approached the band to perform in her place as a way of protesting their repeated snubbing by the Hall’s voters.

After reading this, I was floored yet again, and not just because Madonna acknowledged the importance of someone other than herself.

Rather, this struck me because Madonna represents the epitome of trend-riding pop plasticity and poseurdom. So when even she calls out this operation as bullshit, albeit indirectly, it says a lot about how hollow this whole “pantheon of rock” thing rings.

So for me, it’s back to “meh.”

Act I, Scene 1

It took a characteristically douchey message board post from one of my most loathed Internet personalities to get me back into the writing game.

The man in question: Tucker Max. Perhaps you've heard of him? He's a New York Times bestselling author, a possible pathological liar, and an all-around cocky fuckbag.

I hate him. His writing is shit (sometimes literally). His frat boy persona is beyond grating. Even his name is annoying.

Reading his website makes my blood boil hotter than the piss of a thousand gonorrhea-infected suns.

But a couple of days ago, I stumbled across this two-year-old e-mail conversation between him and Points in Case staff writer Nathan Degraaf.

If you want to wade through the whole pissing match, be my guest.  For those who don't, here's the quote that got to me:

"I am not saying that you can't do it. But until you DO it, everything else is bullshit. Stop talking about it, stop "playing," stop waiting for whatever it is you are waiting for. If you can climb this mountain and sit on top with me and Maddox and few other internet writers who matter, then get up here. There is always more room for talent than there are talented to occupy it."

Tucker, you motherfucker.  You actually made me think.

He's right.  All the talent in the world means nothing if you don't have shit to show for it.

So this is it.  This is my shit, and I'm showing it to you.  I hope you enjoy.

I still hate you, Tucker.  But thanks.